F U B A R

Some days, life is just a cluster fuck.  It just is, and there ain't nothing you can do about it.  And who says everyday has to be perfect?  Come to think of it that would be pretty boring wouldn't it?

As much as I wish days that are complete epic failures didn't happen, they do, and they happen to all of us.  I would hazard to say if they don't happen to you every once in a while, you are doing something wrong.

  The only way to avoid disaster days, is to live in an hermetically sealed bubble.  Which might be pretty and sure is safe but it sure isn't living.  Living is being open to all possibilities; good and really sucky.  Living is being vulnerable and allowing those whom you love, to be vulnerable.  Living is making great big glorious mistakes.  Living is forgiving each other.  Living is sometimes messy.

Today was a shit of a day and I am humbly, extraordinarily grateful for it.

" You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it. " Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Put Off, Postpone, Delay.

So I am sitting here waiting for the weather to decide what it is doing.  It looks as if it might rain but then on the other hand it could just stay grey and moody all day.  Great for migraines! 

If it isn't going to rain I want to go for a walk. If it is going to rain, then not so much.  So in the meantime I am PROCRASTINATING.  Oh I am fooling myself into thinking that by writing this entry I am doing something creative, but really I am PROCRASTINATING.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines procrastinate thusly : to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done.  Hmmmmm so what if I put off the doing of something that should be done with something else that should be done?  Are you following me?

I could clean the kitchen!  Psht, like that's going to happen.
I could wash the floors!  See above.
I could work in the garden! See opening statement re weather.
I could go play with the foster kittens!  Now that I can get behind.  And they do need attention as I don't think their interaction with humans has been particularly positive.

I can procrastinate about things I really want and like doing.  What's up with that?  I should be working on the two new songs I am writing.  I should be reading plays in search of a new monologue. I should be writing one of the 3 scripts I am creating.

The thing is once I get started I will devote myself completely to the chosen task...........until the next shiny thing pops into my Gemini brain.

What the heck?  Am I lazy, undisciplined, too easily distracted? 

Hahaha I just found the most awesome sentence on the Merriam Webster site while I was searching synonyms for distracted:  < she's been distracted about her son ever since he left on the polar expedition>
You see?  I could easily spend an hour noodling around on a thesaurus site!  And don't let me near youtube.

Nope!  No more screwing around.  I will go for a walk.................maybe.  But I need to eat first.  Ooooo, I wonder what is this week's recipe on my favourite vegan cooking blogs?

Last word goes to David Morrissey ~ "Nothing is my guiltiest pleasure. I love it.  I love doing it. I love planning to do it, I love loafing and pottering and chilling and daydreaming."

Starting All Over Again

When I was sixteen and a very lucky child, I spent a summer in the sleepy village of Champery in Switzerland. I learned French, climbed a glacier and  fell in love and had my heart broken in the space of a month.  Ah youth!  I was also introduced to some amazing music, most notably, Laura Nyro  who literally changed my life.  I know I am given to the dramatic but really, singer/songwriters like James Taylor, Dylan, Joni and Ms Nyro made me feel that I wasn't alone.  That somebody else saw the world the way I did.  In those songs, the world made sense.

During that time in Switzerland I was handed a guitar and taught three chords.  And I wrote a song.  I didn't even think about it, I sat on the balcony watching the sun set on the Dents Du Midi and I wrote about how it made me feel.  I knew nothing about song writing.  I knew nothing about verse, chorus, bridge, hook.   I knew nothing and yet, when I performed the song for an open mic in the hotel where we were staying, somebody in the front row said; " wow she's really good."

The weird thing is, it was never recognition that drove me.  I was ( still am ) a very good dancer but realized after competing for a coveted spot at The National Ballet School, that my body wasn't aesthetically aligned for ballet.  I didn't care I switched to jazz and kept dancing  for the wild abandonment of it all. In the dance studio, the world made sense.

When I decided to become an actor, it wasn't stardom I was chasing.  I loved telling stories.  I loved the collaborative playfulness of rehearsal. I loved exploring the darkest part of the fireplace.  On stage, the world made sense.

 When I decided to pursue an artistic life, I am pretty sure I wasn't thinking; when I get older I will become a neurotic mess waiting for the phone to ring and measuring myself against others who have nothing to do with me or my life.  But that is where getting caught up in the race to the bottom  has landed me.

Sometimes it does us all good to get back to the WHY of whatever we are doing.  And in my humble opinion if the WHY isn't bringing you joy or helping to make the world make sense, then you need to take a breath and go back to the beginning. At least that's my plan.

" The only thing I fear more than change is no change. The business of being static makes me nuts " ~ Twyla Tharpe